Kamna's Blog

They dragged me out of the cold steel drawer Specimen 143 Removed the one enlarged heart, the overused kidneys and the unused uterus "I physically have nothing good to give" My ghost meandering the morgue observed Strong bones for an eighty-two year old Strong bones for a poem about a post mortem

Unpromptedly, unhinged dreams about an e-commerce website where you can shop for last minute deals, except the last minute deals are literally for your last minute. Your final planned moments, curated to the last detail. A website exclusive for luxury-level rich exit planners. You have to take a quiz: “How do you intend to do it?” being the first question, with options being: A) Drink myself to death, B) Hang off the ceiling fan, C) Jump off my private penthouse And based on your answers you get suggestions A) 300 year aged whiskey for $4000, B) Jimmy Choo heels, C) A Chanel dress so when you're found at the very least Even if nothing adds up Everything matches

The objectification and romanticization of everyday Entering a room with a notion to spot something new but that which was already there To make it a point to rediscover and see with new eyes what never registered to your brain  To acknowledge that "wow okay the brand of this commode I've sat on for decades is Eagle and there is a little Eagle illustration by it" The conviction that random waking up to the orange moon is because the moon wanted to see you and descended languidly to rest upon the tall towers just for a midnight rendezvous with you So that when you do wake up, the sight of the moon is so bewitchingly arresting, that it takes your breath away and all you can do is mirror its warm gaze to the point of it lulling you gently back to sleep Attachment to tiny corners of rooms that you know you're leaving soon Furniture moved in big trucks leaving the vacant echo of a freshly quiet flat The excitement of newness underlined with the undertow of a small sadness ...

The richest bathrooms have the oldest toothbrushes Luxury is often a pursuit that requires perseverance and an unhealthy dollop of miserliness The relentless decision to choose to be prudent  To always trade today's pain for the sake of tomorrow's rest The constant awareness to prevent unchecked spending Every meal homecooked  Every spray bottle old and refilled rather than repurchased This is how  Old money manages to keep the money While new money loses it Old money saves money and that's how they keep the money It's when you underline your eyes too much that you end up overlining them

Do you recall who you were before the trauma that led you take your own life? Why couldn't you? Is a question I'll never get answered Never in the sense that I never will encounter your soul, the same very one  All I have is your ghost for the rest of my life I can't reconcile That I couldn't be the one who you could lean on In your worst times You knew you had only one way out The untimely suddenness of you being gone Is all I have I have to sit with my incapacity for nights many more beyond the wee hours of three Unanswered questions  I hope to understand  But it seems futile Another mother mourns a child gone too soon Another mentor sobs through sheets A bad dream I refuse to close my eyes and once again see

It’s predictably every January The psychological shift mentally That this year will be different More resolve to achieve archived aspirations I feel a new shift, different from Januaries past This version of me is more frugal than ever The indulgence mindset dissolving away Every decision not wrought with impulse Rather a cautiousness that what will come easy won't last A peace, a serenity, acknowledgement that what lasts won’t come easy Your share of the pie is reserved for only you to devour But endure you must The delays, the trials, the foreshadowing and signs of slowly unraveling dreams  Faith, perseverance and positivity in your little colourful fanny pack This is the path most exquisite The learnings abundant This is my dharma and I will not shortcut it