Kamna's Blog

It's done I watched all the movies I bookmarked I read all the books I downloaded I visited all the places I earmarked I heard all the albums I pinned I came back from all of them With fever episodes of inspiration Gushing with enthusiasm both before And a lot more right after I imagined it ends, the wanting more? The essence of life is of living it with high agency While I return to my ways, Ticking off boxes In a hot hurry to fulfill old and new dreams The unknown of your body's clock begetting the rush Creating early morning writing Enduring late night binge watching With no answer, only guessing When it does end I believe with half certainty I could maybe be done

Sitting in a big bus right opposite my old tuition classes Recalling stress over tallying balance sheets and victorious joy when the final accounts would match The sense of belonging here is so strong The familiar busful of faces Uncles sharing vivid memories of my sister and I playing with our hula hoop in the back of the building  My body has so much memory of the comfort of this place We are willingly going to place that will sign off ours With the promise of a better replacement  It's broken in some places Its bones have held it up for a good 40+ years Everyone agrees it's time The old ones the least in agreement and the new ones who will benefit the most, the most  Change is good New is good  Still I dread it  My school building houses celibate temple men My college building was totally rebranded The building that saw me go from child to adult Where I spent 23 years of the most formative years of my life Will be dust soon

They dragged me out of the cold steel drawer Specimen 143 Removed the one enlarged heart, the overused kidneys and the unused uterus "I physically have nothing good to give" My ghost meandering the morgue observed Strong bones for an eighty-two year old Strong bones for a poem about a post mortem

Unpromptedly, unhinged dreams about an e-commerce website where you can shop for last minute deals, except the last minute deals are literally for your last minute. Your final planned moments, curated to the last detail. A website exclusive for luxury-level rich exit planners. You have to take a quiz: “How do you intend to do it?” being the first question, with options being: A) Drink myself to death, B) Hang off the ceiling fan, C) Jump off my private penthouse And based on your answers you get suggestions A) 300 year aged whiskey for $4000, B) Jimmy Choo heels, C) A Chanel dress so when you're found at the very least Even if nothing adds up Everything matches

The objectification and romanticization of everyday Entering a room with a notion to spot something new but that which was already there To make it a point to rediscover and see with new eyes what never registered to your brain  To acknowledge that "wow okay the brand of this commode I've sat on for decades is Eagle and there is a little Eagle illustration by it" The conviction that random waking up to the orange moon is because the moon wanted to see you and descended languidly to rest upon the tall towers just for a midnight rendezvous with you So that when you do wake up, the sight of the moon is so bewitchingly arresting, that it takes your breath away and all you can do is mirror its warm gaze to the point of it lulling you gently back to sleep Attachment to tiny corners of rooms that you know you're leaving soon Furniture moved in big trucks leaving the vacant echo of a freshly quiet flat The excitement of newness underlined with the undertow of a small sadness ...

The richest bathrooms have the oldest toothbrushes Luxury is often a pursuit that requires perseverance and an unhealthy dollop of miserliness The relentless decision to choose to be prudent  To always trade today's pain for the sake of tomorrow's rest The constant awareness to prevent unchecked spending Every meal homecooked  Every spray bottle old and refilled rather than repurchased This is how  Old money manages to keep the money While new money loses it Old money saves money and that's how they keep the money It's when you underline your eyes too much that you end up overlining them